Self-care is mostly the boring stuff
Search for self-care after a breakup and you will find a lot of candles and face masks. There is nothing wrong with those. But when you are heartbroken, what usually helps most is less glamorous: sleeping, eating, getting outside, talking to people and getting through the day with a little structure.
Heartbreak takes a real toll on the body and the mind. Sleep gets patchy, appetite disappears or goes into overdrive, concentration fades, and small tasks can feel enormous. Self-care in this situation means looking after the person who has to carry all that: you.
This guide is split into what to do on the very worst days, what to build in the weeks after, and what to watch out for. Take what helps and leave the rest.
If you are finding it hard to stay safe right now, please go to the help section on this page before anything else.
On the worst days: the bare minimum list
Some days you will not manage much, and that is allowed. On those days, aim for a short list you can actually do:
- Drink some water.
- Eat something. Toast counts. So does a banana.
- Wash your face or have a shower. It resets more than you would think.
- Open a window or step outside, even for five minutes.
- Tell one person you are having a hard day. A single line of text is enough.
- Go to bed at a reasonable time, even if you cannot sleep.
If you do these, the day was a success. Really. You can build from there tomorrow.
Sleep: protect it like it matters, because it does
Sleep is often the first thing a breakup takes, and losing it makes everything else harder: emotions feel bigger, patience gets shorter, and the 3am thoughts get louder.
A few gentle things that can help:
- Keep a roughly regular bedtime and wake time, even on weekends.
- Put your phone across the room, or at least out of reach. Late-night scrolling through their profile is one of the most common ways people lose sleep after a breakup.
- Keep a notebook by the bed. If a thought will not leave, write it down so your mind can put it down.
- If you cannot sleep after a while, get up, do something quiet in low light, and try again.
- Go easy on caffeine late in the day and on alcohol at night.
If sleep problems go on for weeks, it is worth mentioning to a doctor.
Food, movement and daylight
You do not need a fitness plan or a perfect diet. You need your body to have enough fuel and a bit of movement so it can do the heavy lifting of getting through this.
- Eat at roughly regular times. If your appetite is gone, small snacks count. If you are eating more than usual for comfort, be kind to yourself about it and try to include some proper meals too.
- Move a little every day. A walk is enough. Many people find that walking also gives their thoughts somewhere to go.
- Get daylight, especially in the morning. It is one of the simplest things you can do for your mood and your sleep.
- Notice what numbs you. Alcohol, endless scrolling, gaming until 4am. Sometimes a break is fine. If it becomes the only way through the day, it is worth pausing.
Give your feelings a place to land
Self-care is not only physical. It is also making sure your feelings have somewhere to go that is not your ex's inbox.
- Journal, even badly. Three lines a day about how you feel is plenty.
- Try an unsent letter. Write everything you want to say to them, then do not send it.
- Set a daily "feel it" window. Fifteen minutes to cry, rant or remember. Then get up and do something else.
- Track your mood. One word a day. Over a few weeks you may see progress that is invisible day to day.
These are some of the same ideas built into the Recovery Companion: a private place to write, mood tracking, and rituals like writing a letter and letting it go.
Protect your peace online
Social media can make a breakup much harder. Every glimpse of your ex, their new plans or their friends restarts the pain. Self-care here means putting up some gentle walls:
- Mute, unfollow or block, whatever feels manageable.
- Archive old chats and photo albums so they do not surface by accident.
- Turn off "memories" features on your photo apps for a while.
- Resist the urge to post things meant for them to see.
- Take a break from apps altogether if you can.
Our guide to the no contact rule goes further into keeping distance, including when you cannot fully cut contact.
People are part of self-care
When you are hurting, it can be tempting to hide. But being around people who care about you is one of the most reliable things that helps.
You do not have to talk about the breakup. You can just be around people: a walk with a friend, dinner at a sibling's, a class where no one knows your story. If you do want to talk, choose people who listen without pushing you towards a decision.
Some people find comfort in stories from others who have been through something similar. Our anonymous stories about long distance, marriages and affairs and betrayal by a friend might help you feel less alone.
Build a new routine, gently
A breakup often leaves gaps in your week: the Sunday call, the Friday takeaway, the goodnight text. Those gaps can hurt more than the big memories. Self-care in the weeks after is partly about filling them on purpose.
- Pick one gap and put something in it: a call with a friend, a walk, a new show, a class.
- Plan one small thing to look forward to each week.
- Try something new that has no connection to the relationship.
- Reclaim a place or activity you used to share, on your terms, when you are ready.
For more ideas about rebuilding, read how to get over someone or, if you are wondering whether you are "behind", how long it takes to get over a breakup.
When self-care is not enough
Self-care helps, but it is not a replacement for professional support when you need it. Please consider talking to a doctor or therapist if you are still unable to sleep, eat, work or look after yourself after several weeks, if you feel hopeless or numb most of the time, or if you are relying on alcohol or other substances to cope. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out straight away. The help section below shows you where.
If you would like a gentle daily structure, the Recovery Companion offers a 21-day plan, and you can start it here.